Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Preparing

I have begun to prepare for my return to work, just a mere 12 days away. I feel so fortunate that for the past 4 months I have enjoyed maternity leave at full pay and even more fortunate that when I do return on February 22nd that it will only be two days a week for the first 8 weeks. So, truth be told, April 19th is really D Day, but that doesn't change the fact that I am preparing, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Physically I have been preparing for months...the evidence fills our two freezers at home and my mom's deep freeze. I have saved enough milk to feed a small army of children. I may have been excessive and slightly compulsive about it. I am realizing that might be because the physical preparation is the easiest of the three for me to control.

Mentally, I am trying to get my head back in the game of work and corporate America. I am four months behind on email. Since I last worked my territory has changed, I have a new partner, a new product, and so many policies etc. have changed. I have a lot to catch up on. Additionally, I allowed myself to completely shut off the work side of my brain. I have avoided much of it because I felt like I owed that to little Luke, I wanted him to have my full and undivided attention as long as possible. As conflicted as I feel about my return to work, I must admit that as I started to organize my desk, thoughts and schedule I enjoyed feeling a little more intellectually stimulated again (I'm going to hold on to those positive feelings right now)!

Emotionally, I don't know that the reality of this one has even hit me. I have said it before on this blog, I had no idea how deeply I would fall in love with Luke. I love that each day I wake up and he surprises me as I watch him explore his world. The thought of missing any of these discoveries, quite honestly, breaks my heart and I can't bear to think about it. These past few weeks I have found myself holding on just a little tighter to him. I have been working on his schedule and having him consistently nap in his crib...I know I should let him fall asleep on his own in the crib, but lately I just want to keep rocking him, holding him and watching him sleep. I don't want to spend any time away from him because I feel like my days are numbered in a way. I know they really aren't, and I am sure that once we establish a new routine it will all be okay, but the transition is going to be hard for me. We are so lucky that while I work two days a week the first 8 weeks that Luke will be with my mom and Drew's mom. We are so fortunate that they are willing and able to spend one day a week with Luke. It puts my mind at ease to know that he will be with family and they are both so wonderful with him.

I am remaining optimistic about my return to work. It will be an adjustment, but one I am fortunate to be able to ease into. Just like I didn't know how motherhood would feel, I don't know how going back to work will feel once I make the adjustment. I have to trust that Luke will always know me, recognize me, and love me, regardless of my days spent at work. I will just value the time I spend with him even more.

2 comments:

  1. As always you all 3 will adapt and it will go well. Luke will always know that you love him and he will save those sunny smiles for you when he sees you come in the door at the end of each day!

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  2. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and have thought the transition through well. Hang in there and trust yourself to know what is right. ....and don't worry boys, especially, love their mothers.

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