Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Rolling Stones

They said it best folks..."you can't always get what you want."

This morning we went for the version, and as you can probably guess, it was not successful.  We started off with the most thorough ultrasound I have had in either pregnancy.  One positive from today, we know for certain that we have an extremely healthy little boy from his fingernails, to his kidneys, to his left ventricle, to his parietal lobe you name it, they checked it today and they all looked perfect.  He measured in at 7lbs even and his fluid looked great.  The perinatologist said everything about him looked perfect and he was a great candidate for a version.  I was worried we might not get to try, so I am grateful we at least had the chance.  The perinatologist tried for about 10 minutes and the little man just never budged.  He would kick at her hands trying to move his bottom and that was about it.  His heart rate was perfectly steady the entire time.  Despite the medication they gave me to relax the uterus, every time the doctor really tried to move him much my uterus would contract giving him less space to move.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't pretty emotional about the outcome.  I went in to it this morning with low expectations but still a hope that he would flip and the finality of knowing that he is staying put and will be born via c section makes me feel really sad.  I know millions of babies are born via c section.  In fact, of the 10 women or so I know that have had babies since January all but 1 has had to have a c section for a variety of reasons.  I know it isn't that big of a deal and I will be fine.  I just had such an amazing experience when Luke was born.  It is the most favorite day of my life and not just because I got to meet him but because it was fun and exciting and I just loved the experience.  It is hard for me to know that I won't get to experience that likely ever again.  Even if we have more children, they will likely have to be born via c section.  I am totally scared to have the surgery, sad that I won't get to hold our baby right away, worried about the recovery time and worried about not being able to carry Luke around for some time after the surgery.  I am already worried about Luke feeling neglected when the baby arrives and this just adds insult to injury.  I am sure I will look back and realize it wasn't as bad as I built it up in my mind to be, but I am still disappointed.

I have some time to get over it and I am confident that I will.  I just need a couple of days to reset my expectations and come to terms with the inevitable.  I vow to not let the method of delivery ruin our son's birth day.  This pregnancy hasn't quite been the journey I had hoped for and the delivery won't be either....BUT the positive is that the final outcome will be, and in the end, I know that is all that really matters.  So, next week we will be holding our second son and it doesn't get much better than that...that will continue for years to come, while the rest of this will just be a memory of the past.

I thank all of you for your concern, prayers, texts, emails, phone calls etc.  It means the world to us!  We have had lots of people praying for us; for a healthy baby and for a final somersault, and if I had to choose just one of those prayers to be answered it would most certainly be the healthy baby, so thank you!

1 comment:

  1. you have an amazing attitude and have handled this entire pregnancy with such grace. i remember our conversation the night last fall that i brought dinner over... i know we both hoped and believed for the best, but weren't so sure how things would play out. and look at you now=) love you friend